{*or* The One Where Glorianna Plays the '3am Guilt Pangs after Not Posting for Two Months: Slap Up a Rejected Submission to McSweeney's and Call It Even' Game}
8 And some days thence He entered into Capernaum, and such a number gathered together upon the noising of Christ’s presence that there was not one among them in that place not greatly pressed.
9 And Jesus did speak unto the multitude, saying, Have ye any sick amongst you? Any deaf or blind or lame? And they did answer him, Yea Master, Huzubib. Huzubib is super lame.
10 And said He unto them, Bring him ye unto me.
11 And they brought him forth. And Christ saw that in his heart Hizubib was a real boner. And He laid His hands upon the man’s head, and gave He a blessing unto him, saying:
12 Son, thou hast seven and thirty years. Go forth, and get thee a life.
13 And Hizubib arose, miraculously arrayed in fine raiment of black cowhide and acid-wash denim. And, taking up with him the futon from his mother's basement, Hizubib did go forth and meet himself a fiiiiiiine Hittite dancer called Gwen.
14 And the multitude marveled at the power of the Lord their God, and they did glorify Him.
15 And after this miracle had come to pass, the crowd did depart. And Jesus turned and said unto Peter, What type of mother doth name her kid Hizubib anyway? And Peter answered Him, saying, F*cking Hittites, oh Lord. F*cking Hittites.
Next up: Lost Verses from the Book of Jonah in which Jonah prophesies the dangers of undocumented Ninevehn immigration.