"This music is almost like having feelings!"
-Glorianna, on Barber's Adagio for Strings, Op. 11
"I like the new Mormon Messages -- you know, the ones where Jesus looks like Christian Bale"
-Mercina
"All I can read on my mission is Dostoevsky and the Bible."
-Mercina
"Let's pretend that we're modern art."
-Hettie
"Mom! I'm tired of wiping. So how about you wipe for me today, and I wipe for you tomorrow. When I have more energy."
-Phineas, hollering from the bathroom
"Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"
"I'm a vegetarian."
-Kimber & Hettie
"I would not date a handsome baby."
-Kimber
"Mom, I don't want to wear pants so I'm wearing TWO underwears."
-Phinny (of course)
"I'm Phinny, and this is Hettie. We are both children. That is why we enjoy playing under the table."
-Phineas, introducing himself to a waitress before dinner
"This dog is like a tumor. It's growing on me."
-Zenith
"Here's the thing about Youtube commenters -- they're a bunch of really smart people who tell the truth."
-Glorianna
"Hey -- let's pretend we're at a party ...And I'm naked."
-Phineas
"They kill you, but they don't eat you? How very annoying."
-Mimo, regarding bears
"We have a situation: Willa's pizza is on the floor."
-Phineas
"Phineas, I am unconvinced by your crocodile tears."
-Hettie
"I do not smell like urine. I smell like cheese. "
-Phin
"Are you eating plain butter?"
"You're eating it on bread!"
"I know."
"It's SIGNIFICANTLY fewer calories just to eat the butter."
-Charity & Yoni
"Thomas is graduating from preschool tomorrow. "
"That's exciting!"
"Yes, well, I suppose he has got to do it before he can get his PhD."
-Elijah
"Take off your shorts."
"Why?"
"Um, they're just not handsome."
-Phin, offering sartorial advice to Premal
"Do you want to save this ticket as a keepsake?"
"Ah, yes. That's the day I met my future annoying Facebook friend."
-Mercina
"Of all Heavenly Father's creations, name some of your favorites."
"Thatcher, Auntie Corban . . . and sea monsters."
-Dave & Phineas
"No, they played wiffle ball, which was somehow much more. . . dignified."
-Mercina
"Slovenia has very handsome boys."
"Nice sheep, too."
-Mercina & Glorianna
"If I were a type of meat, I would most resemble veal. I'm very anemic and I don't exercise enough."
-Mercina
"You're a sack of sugar
You make a lot of stuff yummy
You make love stuff yummy
And I don't wanna say goodbye to your sweet."
-Hettie, singing to herself in the other room
"Libby, you look like a walking staircase."
-Phin
"I like double-stuf oreos more than the new triple-stuf ones."
"Me too; the triple-stuf ones are overwhelming -- I eat two or three, and then I feel sick."
"Yeah. And they can't fit nearly as many in each package."
-Mercina & Glorianna
"I don't have feelings, but I do have opinions."
-Mercina
"I'm OK with -- like -- marrying you for a week?"
-Mohammed, to Mercina
"This ball is heavy. It makes me want to throw it at someone I am annoyed with."
~Mimo on the moral perils of Bocci Ball
"All of our friends are old ladies."
-Glorianna, to Mercina
"I think it's funny when you make jokes about dying, but that's cause I love you. Other people just think it's morbid."
- Yoni
"I never want my children to be teenagers. . . I guess they'll just have to die young."
- Glorianna
"What's your favorite animal?"
"You are!"
- Phineas & Dave
"I tasted a watermelon in this tiny tomato!"
- Phin describes a grape
"His face is like pudding -- you just wanna slap it."
- Mercina
"Do you think I could wear these sweatpants to the office?"
-Liberty
"I need to study very hard so I can be an astronaut when I grow up. You know who else is an astronaut? Mercina and Glorianna's boyfriend."
- Hettie
"My family doesn't drink, but they cook like sailors."
-Liberty
"We're voting for Mitt Romney.
"Um, no."
-Hettie & Phin, totally unprompted, to the lady next to us at Costco
"If you're hungry, don't eat Disco. Eat Phin."
"Um, no. Eat food, okay?"
- Hettie & Phin
"I have a truly beautiful soul."
-Phin
"It's the first time anyone could remember a shark falling from the sky at the golf course."
-The Associated Press
"Mom, one of your children would like a cheese sandwich, and it isn't Phin."
Hettie
"So if we make good choices, what will we ultimately have?"
"REVENGE!"
-Charity & Eli
"Tell Phin not to watch me! I'm a private dancer!"
-Hettie, after ballet class
[*Bump* followed by very brief, hysterical tears, followed by silence]
"...Actually, Mom, I decided not to cry."
-Phin
"Please don't drink the bath water, Phin. It has soap and dirt in it."
"...and pee."
-Kimber & Hettie
*****In September of 2012, I got tired of scrolling to the bottom of the page, and decided to put new quotes at the top. This marks the chronological beginning of these adorable one liners*****
"When I eat doggy food, it is yucky. So don't do it."
-Hettie, to Phin
"When I grow up and get rich, all of my Christmas cards are going to be printed on beaten silver."
-Zen
"Why are you eating crayons?"
"Because green food is so healthy."
-Kimber & Hettie
"No one could ever love a warthog"
"What about another warthog?"
"No. No, I don't think so."
-Anonymous YW Leader
"I have three sons, and none of them have ever told me that they want to marry an intelligent, spiritual, ugly girl"
-The Same Anonymous YW Leader (she was on a roll that night)
"May I please have scissors?"
"Why?"
"I need to cut Daddy's hair."
-Hettie and Kimber
"Have you seen Oink-oink? He's a pig that looks like a pillow."
-Hettie to Liberty
"I feel like I'm not wearing enough blush."
-Corban
"So, if someone doesn't repay your microloan, can you go after them with a micro-baseball bat?"
-Zen
"You're so short. It's like the press ran out of Play Doh when it was making your legs."
-Kimber, to Glorianna
"If you don't wear something for long enough, you no longer have to wash it."
-Glorianna
"You don't just hand someone a placenta."
-Liberty
"That's not as funny as you're hoping it is."
-Premal, to Liberty
"I am the most intellectual of my sisters."
-Charity
"Sometimes I like to read other people's mail!"
-Mercina
"In the daytime it's light, and in the nighttime it's. . ."
"Christmas Eve!"
-An adult & Hettie, discussing opposites
"The nice thing about 120 volts is it can't really kill you"
-David
"But I like flavorless mush"
-Hettie, asking to eat Phin's baby food
"I have beautiful friends. . ."
-Hettie, in her sleep
"Look daddy! A tiiiny little booger in my cute little hand!"
-Hettie
"Yellow is the best color in the English alphabet."
-Charity
"Oh! I thought your foot was a dog!"
"Everyone thinks that my feet are dogs."
-Glorianna & Mercina
"Ugh! The dog stinks."
"No he doesn't! . . . I think he smells like roses."
-Glorianna & Momo
"She snuck up on me -- like Potiphar's wife."
-David, on the dog licking his face
"I'm afraid that you're going to electrocute yourself."
"Don't worry! I already did!"
-Mercina & Glorianna
"I think I need to cry."
"Why is that?"
"Because I miss my Daddy."
"Do you want to call him?"
"No thanks. I'm watching a movie... Can you please stop talking?"
-Hettie & Kimber
"The name of this train is Super, but it's terrible!"
-BBC Reporter
"But I don't want to be a whisperer!!"
-A very jet-lagged Hettie at 2 a.m.
"Can I have two halves?"
-Tompkins, about a giant cookie
"Nobody can do nothing, and nothing's worth doing anyway. That's my motto."
-Mimo
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, ask me questions about WWII!!”
“Really?... Well... Ok. Who was the bad guy during WWII?”
“Gadhafi! Gadhafi! Gadhafi!”
-Tompkins & Sarah
"Sorry, Daddy. You sound like an evil robot."
-Hettie, via a bad Skype connection
"When life gives you lemons, rub them in the open wounds of your enemies."
-Karl Kassle
"Can I call you Dr. Edward Cullen?"
-17 year-old peds patient, to Premal
"When you're naked, you run the fastest"
-Elijah
"Jesus is inside the bunny costume."
-MJB, on Easter
"May I bite you, gently?"
-Hettie
"You're not my mommy exactly. But you're like my mommy."
-Hettie, to Charity
"What I lack in punctuality I make up for in inappropriate attire."
-Kimber
"I saw his face, but then he was so handsome that I had to hide."
-Glorianna
"Does your dog bite?"
"Oh, only small children."
-Mimo, to passerby on the street with small child in tow.
"Do you prefer showers? I prefer tubby baths."
-Hettie
"I love you."
"Oh, I love yogurt."
-Liberty & Hettie
"You look hot. And by hot, I mean over-heated."
-Liberty, to Rock Band Dude
"I love Mayumi. I will hit her so gently, it will feel like a hug"
-Hettie, regarding playdate etiquette
"Dogs are like monsters, only better. Because they're real."
-David
"I went to Hamsterdam, to see tiiiiiny little hamsters."
-Hettie
"Will there be ketchup at the wedding?"
-Tompkins
"I slept well -- no monsters came to borrow me to eat me."
-Hettie
"Hysteric glamor relieves tension."
-Korean Tshirt
"It was the coolest thing since yogurt and breast milk!"
-Premal, on Phin's first encounter with bubbles
"Are you sure you don't want one?"
"No, I couldn't possibly eat another bite."
-Mimo (talking about puppies) & Sarah (talking about dinner)
"Can I go to the Promised Land? I think it might be Mimo's house...."
-Hettie
"This music is oppressively peaceful."
-Mercina
"Does this say. . . Taco?"
-Momo, on a T&Co necklace
"May I please make a snowman?"
-Hettie, on the first 100+ afternoon of Summer
"I have to go to the bathroom, but first I must rest."
-Azusa
"Hey! Let's go chase the moon!"
-Hettie
"I found the perfect wedding dress today. There's only one problem: it comes in sizes 2-6 toddler."
-Charity
"Hey! Don't shine on me!"
-Hettie, talking to the sun
"She's shallow, but I like her 'cause she's pretty."
-Zen
"P is the dirtiest letter. Because it's in your diaper."
-Hettie
"Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton."
-Hillary Clinton
"You're adorable."
"I suppose I am."
-Zen & Hettie
"I ate pie before it was cool
... and I burnt my tongue."
-Corban
"If you say something once and people don't respond, say it again and pretend it was a joke. If people don't laugh, say it one more time and if that fails to work, announce it was a joke."
-Charity
"If I were a Catholic, I'd give up my eyebrows for Lent."
-Zen
"If I had a house this big, it would have more mirrors."
-Liberty
"It's not broken! It just needs to be fixed..."
-Momo
"I like Cozy, but Cozy isn't a genius."
-Hettie, on her favorite blanket
"What happened to you?"
"I fell asleep on my way to the door."
-Glorianna and Mercina
"I know that you hate this more than anything else in the world. That's why I love to do it."
-Zen
"I love you, Mommy! You're my favorite Auntie."
-Hettie
"Boogers? I ate 100 boogers!"
-Hettie
"How do you spell boutonniere?"
"YUCK! you guys went bra shopping together?!"
-Mercina and Zen
"We don't need really nice things. You know, we could just bring some old trash."
-Glorianna to Mercina (on furnishing dorms)
"Stop being stupid!"
"Why?"
-Mercina & Zen
"I don't think skinny jeans are conducive to potty training."
-Mercina
"I couldn't have gotten more stares if I'd had JLo in my stroller."
-Kimber
"Aww! Cute lil' leech!"
-Hettie
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A hot dog!"
-Mercina and Hettie
"You're not wearing any shoes!"
-Glorianna, upon seeing a %100 naked Hettie
"My eyes are so bad; I'm contemplating studying for the eye-exam."
-Mercina
"I love the handicap stall, it's like peeing in first class!"
-Liberty
"I can send you some porn if you want?"
-Narae, on Korean approaches to hair growth
"This isn't a storm. This is a party!"
-Hettie, on Hurricane Irene
"These people smell like they don't like me."
-Glorianna
"You cannot break bread, you can only break yourself against it."
-Mercina
"I'm not good at paying attention. That's why I have you!"
-Yoni
"What if I put butter on the dirt?"
-Hettie, discussing things we do and do not eat
"They had a Fight Club at the diabetes camp."
-Erin
"We're gonna go cut up babies. No, not babies, BODIES!"
-Liberty, about her trip with Premal to the anatomy lab
"Oh, Mommy! You're so sweet! ...and sour."
-Hettie
"Satan! Leave our home!"
-Glorianna, every morning, to her alarm clock
"Heavenly Father made you beautiful just the way you are."
"Yeah. And Heavenly Father gave you makeup."
-Kimber & Hettie
"I have a little crush on him -- he's old and very short."
-Mercina
"Coming up four flights is so much easier when you're drunk!"
-Andreas
"My favorite thing to do in hospitals is refuse treatment."
-Charity
"Ooooo, I feel like an egg. . . No, really, I *feel* like an egg."
-Mercina
"Ugh! There's a bug! On our rug! It's a slug!"
-Mercina, regarding a slug-bug on our rug
"Oh my gosh. This is amazing. What's in it?"
"Butter and cream cheese."
-Charity & B&B Owner
"Logic doesn't make any sense."
-Mercina
"How do I know that Jews don't control the world? The world sucks."
-Sam
"What doesn't kill you makes you bitter."
-MJB
"Magician plus Black Belt in Karate equals Ninja, right?"
"You're so good at math."
-MiK and Mercina
"May I please have a weapon? Phin keeps escaping."
-Hettie
"Do you want a pancake?"
"No!"
"I don't think he knows what that word means, Mom."
-Kimber, Phin & Hettie
"Paul Rusesabagina is a hero."
"I'm a hero, too!"
-Kimber and Hettie
"It's not a reading 'E.' It's an exploding 'E.'"
-Hettie, regarding penmanship
"Some people have a doggie, but some people just have a brother."
-Hettie
"In the meantime, let's read a book."
"Yeah! And in the nice-time, let's watch a movie."
-Kimber & Hettie
"Mommy says I don't have room for my delicious-licious milkshake. But I do! Look! In my mouth!"
-Hettie
"Hey, little Butter Man! Come back to our love-butter sandwich!"
-Hettie to Phin, regarding group hugs
"You have a booger on your face, Cowboy."
-Hettie, to a Stetson-topped Phin
"Do not hit your brother with a shoe!"
"Mom. It was a slipper."
-Kimber & Hettie
"My legs are sore from eating so much."
-Glorianna
"I love you, lights!"
-Phin, on a particularly spectacular Christmas display
"If you gave me your heart, I would keep it like a treasure."
-Hettie, after being serenaded with the Wham! Christmas song
"Those aren't shorts, they're double-thick underwear."
-Glorianna
"Tell Zen I have a birthay present for him, but your Mom needs to sign a waiver before he can use it."
-Pinky
"I poured ink into the Brita filter."
-Glorianna
"I am grateful to her for giving me sugar."
"That's what he said. . ."
-Mercina & Glorianna
"This is a phone for Democrats..."
-David, regarding his company-issued iPhone
"Ugh. How would you make fondue without wine?"
"Beer and cheddar."
-Glorianna & Zen, on alcohol-free cuisine
"Momo will be right back. She just has to go out to buy some drugs."
-Mimo, to Hettie & Phin
"After lights out, you could sell warm, crotchy peanut butter for anything."
-Corban
"Please water me, Mommy."
-A very thirsty Phin
"I want to eat all of the raspberries, but you can have the bananas and the apricots because I'm not selfish."
-Glorianna
"What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell's Angels is currently unclear."
-German Police Investigator
"I didn't hear what the question was, but the answer is 'milkshake.'"
-Auntie K
"No amount of diligence can counteract an incredibly devious, highly sedated Charity."
-Shiloh
"I feel like I'm wearing baby pajamas."
"You look like you're wearing baby pajamas."
-Shiloh & Glorianna
"According to the Gummy Vites bottle, I've eaten the equivalent of 300 tangerines today."
-Mercina
"Dogs are lucky, because their shoes are attached."
-Hettie, on missing footwear
"I think the radio is broken; I can't hear the 'green-speckled frog song.'"
"That's because we're listening to All Things Considered."
-Hettie & Kimber
"Is that smell your gum or my deodorant?"
-Liberty
"Wow, Mommy! Snowman cars!"
-Phin, on post-flurry vehicles
"This is worse than learning about Santa Clause... because I kind of already knew about Santa."
-Mercina, on the facts of becoming a man
"She's like my best friend--which is funny, because she tried to pull out my eyebrows last night."
-Yoni
"Lung transplant?! I didn't know they could do that..."
-The doctor filling in for Kimber's regular Ob
"What day is it?"
"Tuesday."
"Oh! Happy Tuesday, Mom!"
-Hettie
"He was like a grandfather to me"
"Did you ever meet him?"
"No."
-David & Kimber, regarding Ronald Reagan
"I found a tiny ant and she looked cold, but I couldn't find her jacket. So I just put her in my sock."
-Hettie
"It's part 'Rite of Spring', part 'Davy Crockett'."
-Mercina, on Momo's newly purchased 'Boroque Folk' CD
"How about you give me some cookies, and then we watch a movie?!"
"That sounds like a good deal."
"No, that sounds like a good plan!'
-Hettie & Kimber
"That is not good, but I like it!"
-Hettie, regarding David's homemade kefir
"Do you want a sweater?"
"I already have a little sweater in my bellybutton."
-Glorianna & Charity
"Delicious! Smell this!"
"Delicious! Smell this!"
-Hettie (regarding a silk potpourri sachet) & Phin (regarding used dental floss)
"What sports will you let your kids play?"
"Chess."
-Shiloh & Glorianna
"Phin, reaching down your mama's shirt is sketchy."
-Hettie
"You can't eat plain mayonnaise."
"Why?"
"It's like eating plain butter!"
"And?"
-Charity and Yoni
"Ugh!... Oh no!... Mommy ... I'm nude."
-Phin, after waking up from a nap in his diaper.
"You're my little boy."
"No! I'm your cute little boy!"
-Kimber & Phin
"Kiss?"
*smooch*
"No, with tongue."
-Phin
"Your guys' definition of 'cool' is literally everybody else's definition of 'dorky'."
-Zen
"Sometimes I step on Phin's toes. But then I forgive him."
-Hettie
"I suppose you don't actually need to improve your handwriting. These days, everyone uses typewriters."
-Mimo
"But I can't go! I'm her protector!"
-Hettie, about Willa
"Are these eyebrow-removing forceps yours?"
"Do you mean tweezers?"
-Premal & Liberty
"I love my kidneys. They help me pee."
-Hettie
"Have you been playing titty twisters with girls?"
-Momo, to Zen
"Mommy, when I grow up, I'll be a lawyer girl. And Phin will be a lawyer boy. And daddy will be an old lawyer. And you'll be. . . an old woman."
-Hettie
"You're my lil' penguin -- because you're sweet, monogamous, and will one day raise my children."
"I love you like an avocado -- because you're the good kind of fat"
"You're like a dog -- I want you"
-Glorianna, Liberty, & Mercina's new terms of endearment
"Hey, Mom! Your boobies are a parking lot!"
-Phin, after driving a Matchbox car down Kimber's shirt
"At least she would die free and happy."
-Hettie, regarding Dolley Dog's possible leap from a third floor balcony
"I want to do this, and I want to do it now. I'm going to sit here like an angry drunk 'til it happens."
-Mercina
"Isn't this sweet? I'm pretending to care for Phin."
-Hettie
"Bee spit! My favorite!!"
-Hettie, regarding honey